day 20: its time to face the truth.

So it really is time to face the facts and be honst with myself as well as the people who support me and also read my blog. I keep painting a picture i think, painting this picture of what i want everyone to see, but i think its also a picture i want to see, maybe if i make myself see a "picture" i will start to believe it. I keep saying I am not working out as much as I like, but the truth is I am really not working out at all, and i keeping fooling myself with this whole eating thing. If you order off the "healthy" menu does not mean you can eat as much as you want and it will be fine. I feel very lost in my life in a lot of reasons, be completely uncomfortable with myself is one of those things, I am very lost in life and also in school. I recently dressed up for a halloween party, and was so uncomfortable with myself i felt like a fool, getting dressed up and then looking around me and seeing everyone look thin and sexy and then there was me. feeling like an frompy fool, I look around me and see poeple who will be starting their careers in just s few months or a year and i look around and say wow i still have four years till i come close to my career. Do i even want to be a nurse? how does anyone know what they want to be? do you just know? because i really dont know. So im being honest. please give me some feed back. I am very confused in life and things I am so uncomfortable with how i look but i feel like I have felt this way for years now so why arent I changing things. UHHHH im frustrated, can you tell... Any help??? (oh and sorry, no picture tonight)

day 18: HMMM

So i do not have a fancy title today, mainly because much like the weather it was just a dreey day. I got to spend most of the day by my very specail man-friends side tho. He is doing alot better today, in case any one was worried. I really don't have much to say about today. I have been feeling like maybe im getting sick, which means I was not able to work out today, bummer. but i think tomorrow i might try and get out an maybe go for a hike or something. get outside and enjoy this cold weather. So thats really all I have tonight not that eventful. I am really sorry for anyone out there looking for some more. I dont have much to give tonight. But stay posted and I am sure tomorrow will be more eventful, I think on top of working out i might try and do some baking, since i will be home all day i will be homeworking, working out and baking, let me know if you would like to join me for any of the above :) have a great night everybody!

day 17: what a day...

hello friends, sooo what a day today has been. Sorry it is so late, I promise I have not forgotten about you. Today was very long, did not going into work today to stay home with bradley who is suffering from hand foot and mouth dease, when he broke out in welts, and so we made him a doctors app. but when he started to get worse we had to head into urgent care. luckly he had been taking the right medicine from the begining, so he got just a little more for the next 5 days and he is good to go. He is a little tired and a little out of it but will be back to normal very soon. As for me I am just tired my meals today consisted of a frozen quesodilla i microwaved, a piece of pizza, and then a smart one mexican plate. Yea working out? it didnt really happen today. I really should be doing some more homework but I think I am going to bed for the night. So goodnight everybody I hope everyone has a much better day then me, and lets all have great days tomorrow. GOODNIGHT :)

Day 16: horrible horrible horrible, I know!!!

Okay so maybe what a month of being a no show? if not longer? I am so sorry to anyone who is still out there reading. I promise to get back on track, which is actually tonights topic. Lets fill you in on the last month of my life. I have been going threw my own personal issues, which have really been stressing me out, feeling very "lost" to say the least. I have been doubting why and what I am going to school for, I have been off track with working out, I have been eating pretty good but when I come home from work or school I am just too tired to do anything. I feel like so many parts of my life are falling to the side because of everything else. I think sometimes i dont give enough time to my absolutly amazing patient boyfriend, not enough time to my beautiful dogs, not enough time to keeping my whole life just in order. Soo this weekend I got to sit down and have an amazing talk with a friend who I am realizing is one of those people you can talk for hours two about a million and one things and you get sooooo much figured out. well she said I helped her to realize so much, but i do not think she realized how much she made me realize. starting this week i need to get MY life back. working out is important me, and i need to find time to do it, NO EXCUSES!! I only have 3 more days working at the current position I am at work and then i get to move to something I will be making more money at as well as have more responsiblity at, so i can not let the manager i have to deal with of the old position ruin my moods or my days, I need to stop finding my friendships on the TV, stop getting lost in a mindless box when i know there is plenty more to be doing. As my very good friend said she is going to start doing the artistic things she likes doing, I like to cook and bake so I am going to make time to do that. Finally, I need to remember something, I am choosing to go into a career that is not easy, it is very demnading and very fast paced and requires alot from me, so i can not let myself get frustrated when I see how much school I have left, I am going to be open about whats going on and find ways to ask for help from the people who have told me they are always there to listen and help me. SOOOO yea, thats all, just those few little things ;) I have some things i really want to work on, And I PROMISE to be on here every night telling you how its going each week..(oh and each night i am going to start thanking someone who helped me in anyway that day) sooo THANKS Rory for telling me you miss the blog and making me restart up, thanks Sam for having great conversation with me and helping to reinspire and relight some old flames, and thank you bradley for being the most patient man in history as I slowly loose my mind. good night every body